Ethical Wills: Passing on Treasures of the Heart

This article is a condensation of a longer article written by Robert Flashman, Melissa Flashman, Libby Noble and Sam Quick, whose work the writer gratefully acknowledges.

Traditional wills transfer worldly possessions. An ethical will bequeaths values, ideas, and personal reflections to family members and other loved ones. Ethical wills have been characterized as windows into the souls of those who write them, making these wills cherished by family members from generation to generation (Tiller 1996). Reinforcing the fact that one does not have to be wealthy to leave a legacy, an ethical will allows the writer to convey to family members and close friends values, ideas and personal reflections, including significant events during the author’s lifetime.

It need not be lengthy or time consuming to produce. A few well-stated paragraphs can be just as meaningful as numerous pages of writing. You do not have to be an experienced writer to compose an ethical will. If the message you leave is from the heart, spelling and grammatical mistakes will be inconsequential to the loved ones reading your words.

Particularly where an author confronts death, an ethical will may help the author accept death in a more healthy way. Many of us avoid thinking about death as much as possible. Some individuals even believe that talking about death will hasten their own demise. Fear and dread of the unknown cause us to evade the topic of death.

Research supports the premise that attitudes toward death and dying affect one’s longevity and general well-being. The role of attitudes adds a measure of control to your life, in that you can sometimes delay or hasten death by the way you feel about your own health or about death overall. For example, in one study (Sobel and Ornstein 1996), a positive outlook about their health was shown to prolong the lives of the subjects, even though they had been given less optimistic prognoses by their physicians.

An Ancient Tradition

Primarily a Jewish tradition, the roots of which stem from early Biblical times, ethical wills have gained broad popularity in recent years. The earliest ethical wills were most likely passed on orally, while those of later generations were recorded on paper. Actual wills dating from the Medieval and Renaissance periods have even been preserved to modern times.

Jack Reimer (1991), co-author of Ethical Wills: A Modern Jewish Treasury (1983), has found that ethical wills may be more commonplace today than many of us realize: “I was on the Today Show, talking about this custom. And for two weeks after the broadcast, I was inundated with letters from all over the country, from people who wanted to tell me that they had ethical wills in their possession… They all said they treasured those wills and took them out and read them often.”

An Expression of Your Unique Personality

There is no magical formula that dictates the format or content of an ethical will. What is important is that it expresses the essence of your heart and your personality. If you enjoy writing poetry or songs, consider including an original composition in your will. If you are not good with written words or you are no longer able to manage a writing instrument, try dictating your ethical will onto a cassette tape or use a video recorder. Perhaps your penmanship is poor; think about using a typewriter or word processor. Your creativity is your only limitation.

You can address your ethical will to your spouse or children, to a special friend, or “To My Family.” Of course, you may wish to compose more than one ethical will. Listen to your inner guidance; you will know how to proceed.

What You Have to Say Is Important

If you’re thinking to yourself, “Well, I don’t really have anything all that important to write about,” think again. You are unique! You have lived and learned in your own special way, and you have important thoughts, experiences and feelings to pass on to those around you. To write an ethical will you don’t need to be a sage or a saint; you just need to be yourself. Open your heart and write what comes; it will be a gift and a legacy, “a window into your soul” that loved ones will cherish.

What to Include

What you choose to include in your document will help determine the length of your ethical will. Describing life events, goals, values, and beliefs could require a lengthy will. This type of ethical will can offer rich insights and information that will be highly coveted by future generations. However, many individuals prefer to keep it short and simple, or to address specific topics such as “My Definition of True Success,” “Why I Love You and Will Miss You,” “What I Appreciate Most,” “Mistakes I Have Learned From,” “What Spirituality Means to Me,” or “My Happiest and Funniest Moments.” Consider including stories with deep personal meaning, your ancestral background, people or events that helped shape your life, familial obligations, favorite scripture passages, or even actions for which you would like to ask forgiveness.

It’s Never Too Soon
Writing our ethical wills is not something we should put off. Death can be sudden, even for teenagers and younger children. Also, it’s often best to write important material like this when we are fresh and unpressured by time. Starting early in life to write your ethical will can give you more time to record feelings from your heart as well as to interject pertinent historical facts.

Remember, too, that sometimes very late in life our mental and physical capacities diminish, making it difficult or even impossible to prepare an ethical will. An ethical will is a gift to both the giver and the receiver. It helps us clarify our values and put life in perspective. Writing an ethical will is a healthy, healing exercise. Don’t put it off; it’s never too soon. Look ahead on your calendar: set aside some time to get away and be by yourself with pen and paper in hand.

Milton C. Smith

References

Flashman, M., R. Flashman, & S. Quick. Ethical Wills – Passing on Values Important to You. Lexington: University of Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service Press, 1998.

Flashman, Robert, M. Flashman, L. Noble, S. Quick. “Ethical Wills: Passing on Treasures of the Heart.” The Forum for Family and Consumer Issues 3.3 (1998): 33 pars. 29 December 1998. http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/deps/fcs/pub/1998/wills.html.

Frankl, V. (1962). Man’s Search for Meaning. Boston Beacon Press: Quoted in Justice, B. Who Gets Sick: Thinking and Health (Houston Peak Press, 1987), 205.

Pennebaker, J. Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions. New York: Guilford Press, 1997.

Riemer, J. and N. Stampfer. Ethical Wills: A Modern Jewish Treasury. New York: Schocken Books, 1983.

Riemer, J. and N. Stampfer. So That Your Values Love On: Ethical Wills and How to Prepare Them. Woodstock, VT: Jewish Lights Publishing, 1991, xvii.

Sobel (MD), D. and R. Ornstein. The Healthy Mind Healthy Body Handbook. New York: Patient Education Media, Inc., 1996, 40.

Tiller, E. Ethical Wills: Spiritual Bequests, Wisdom Newsletter from Community Ministries, Baptist Senior Adult Ministries, Washington, DC, 1996.